TedPage: Phone Hackers

Kevin Smith reminded me of a post that I made to the PLUG mailing list a few years ago. It was funny, I thought I'd repost it here. Some background is that we were discussing accessing a phone's calendar via Linux. The legality of it came up, and I wrote this:

Linux hacker attacks cell network

Phoenix, AZ - On Monday three SWAT teams were able to apprehend Linux hacker Kevin Smith with only minor injuries to Smith. Smith was reported to be using his Motorola v120e phone with a modified cable to allow him to break into the proprietary interface that keeps normal users from accessing the phone's internals.

"Once you have control of the phone, you can do anything." Bob Brown, self-certified expert, told News 13. "You could log into the phone network, perhaps even destabilizing it." This destabilization could cause interruptions to life saving services, like 911.

Mr. Smith claims that he was only trying to retrieve 'his data' out of the phone, but was unable to find it. "The GPL is a virus. First the users think they can look at the software, then they think they need to know hardware protocols, then they want to open your bank account!" said one Microsoft FUDmaster commenting on the case. "We've been trying to warn the public about these kinds of abuses, and the effects that they can have on perfectly good children" continued the sponsor of the ad to the right of this story.

"You never know what they are going to do" stated Sheriff Joe when commenting on why the SWAT teams entered the home shooting. "In his hands was one of the offending devices - we thought that he might have been taking down a critical network right then!" explained Joe. On further investigation it was found that Smith was talking to his Grandmother, but her phone number did include the number 9 and two 1's.

Smith also belonged to a set of elite hackers innocuously know as the Phoenix Linux User's Group (PLUG). This group, while they hide behind public service projects like instructional classes, contains the elite criminals that Linux is known for. "Many times they discuss the core of the operating system, the kernel" said one list member who wishes to remain anonymous.

The group has even gone has far to include a 'Grandmother's cheesecake' ruse into their nefarious planning. Reports say that cheesecake is brought in to make the appearance of there being just 'normal' people in the club. "Oh, they aren't normal" said another member.

Richard Stallman was brought in to the FBI for questioning along with this case, but no one has been able to crack him. With almost continuous recorder music and relentless discussion of the rights of users many agents have retired from the agency when forced to deal with him. On a related note, it is also reported that the agency will be changing it's name to GNU/FBI.

I wish I could say that it couldn't happen...